I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
