there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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