dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
