the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
