as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
