i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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