I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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