I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize