I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I have demons in me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
