even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
