even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
