People in love make me want to vomit
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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