I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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