Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
