So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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