after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
