I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I need dunkaroos back in my life.