dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.