he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.