Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.