Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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