Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
