I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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