Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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