I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
