For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
