dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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