my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Are we still banned from the library?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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