your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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