Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
