Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
