You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
