Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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