Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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