I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
