a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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