I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
