I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
