So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
