so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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