Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
