I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
