I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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