im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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