so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
ttyl tear gas
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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