that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
