i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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