There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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