the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
