I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
