She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
