her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
