Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize