this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
