I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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