quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
