if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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