I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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