A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
