She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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