my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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