guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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