ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
