I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
