I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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