Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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