Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
